why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
