so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
