My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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