i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
