I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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