bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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