so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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