Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
