You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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