i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my being single is dangerous.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
