Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
