Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
