Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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