you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
