Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
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