my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
