After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
