Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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