Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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