That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
