So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
