pop tarts are not kleenex
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
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He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
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You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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