They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
