you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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