I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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