Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
