i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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