i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
