Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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