I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
