I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
id be glad to
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
