i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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