He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
