Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
