Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
