Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
