I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
