i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
