2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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