Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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