I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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