Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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