We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
