I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
