Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize