the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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