I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
jump out the window naked night went bad
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
