My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i out mim tonsoeep
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
