I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
