Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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