At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
