I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He called his prostate his "boner button".
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
