That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
