her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
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Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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