she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
