I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
