We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
