It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
