Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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