My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
