If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
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I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
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It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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