You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I look better un-naked...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
